What I Can't Say In Words
by screaming-poetically
Summary: I was inspired to write some 100 word drabbles. I didn't use names, so you can imagine who I'm talking about, if you so choose. Read and enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

I wonder if he sees me the way I see him. He doesn't understand the way things work, how people can just kill each other and not care. I wish he could understand- maybe then he'd have no nightmares. 

I want to hold him. I want to be the one he goes to when he's afraid. The other one… he deserves better like me. But he doesn't see me. I'm crystal and see-through.

I sigh. "Not enough to you."

He looks up. "You say something?"

I shake my head. "No."

This is the part where I love him too much.


	2. Chapter 2

It's a routine. Another day, another case. But what's not routine is how I've begun to feel. I watch as the kit comes out, and the chemicals are chosen. Evidence is bagged and I'm told to go to the lab. I wait for when you will join me, mostly because you were the reason I became what I am today.

Lonely. Only I've fallen in love- with you. You're full of sorrow, and I wish I could fix that. Will you let me? Will you let your heart out of your chest once in a while so I can?

No.


	3. Chapter 3

It began with fingers brushing over files, then progressed to casual dinners and then less casual. We decided before it was even started that it was over. Sex wasn't even an issue- but passion was. I knew as soon as I saw you the next day that I wanted to push you into a corner and do whatever I could. But it was over, and you said it always would be.

We called it "let's not call it love" love. Dirty love. Half-full love. I called it love, but you said it was faded love.

Make this love vibrant again.


	4. Chapter 4

We've lost the plot and we don't know how to recover it. We're hummingbirds with no desire to move. We're the living who justify the dead. We're the lonely and the loveless. Who the fuck am I kidding? There is no we. There is only I. I am loveless, and lonely.

That's because I'm without you. You're so sure of yourself, so beautiful in your tragedy. You're like an Impressionist painting; beautiful, but blurred around the edges. I want you more than anything. This love is… It's much like suffocating.

Put your hands around my throat. Please.

Just kill me.


	5. Chapter 5

It's Christmas. I've never had that much trouble at Christmas… Usually I'll just work it through. After 9/11, you know, it's all I can do. You, of all people, know.

I hate consequences. I want to be free to do what I choose, with no strings attached. But there are always those spider-silk strings. You were a consequence. I didn't think that when I saw you all alone those two Christmases ago and asked you to come to my place, things would go this far.

But I so hate consequences, and running from you is what my best defense is.


	6. Chapter 6

"Do you want to go somewhere," you ask.

Well, for starters, let's go far away where no one can ever find us. It'll just be us; there, we could just sit together. And even though we wouldn't talk, it would feel like the best conversation we'd ever had. I want you to be mine, and not hers. I want for us to be less complicated. But…

"Sure," I say. "Let's go to your place."

That we do. Only as soon as we get inside, I push you against the door and kiss you frantically.

I could never let you go.


	7. Chapter 7

Apologies are redundant. I've never held with them. If people know you, and truly care about you, then they'll know when you're sorry. They'll feel it. Words don't mean a thing. It's how you care and what you do that means something.

As I watch you walk past me without even looking, I wish I could for once use words to apologize. I'm too proud. It hurts to be so close to you, and yet so far away. The closest thing to perfect… but the farthest thing from me.

Will we be okay? I hope so. Maybe more than okay.


	8. Chapter 8

God, I hate this song. I've always liked jazz/blues, and Norah Jones sings them wonderfully. But this song makes me want to throw the cd player out the window. I rest my head in my hands. This song… reminds me of you.

_"There was a time when I believed  
That you belonged to me  
But now I know your heart is shackled  
To a memory..."_

I look at my apartment, and somehow I doubt yours is like mine. Cleaner, less empty beer bottles, and probably no distasteful water stains on your ceiling. I think you made my life a mess.


	9. Chapter 9

The sun is barely rising. I know we're sure to be called in soon; people can't stop dying for a couple of hours and give us peace and quiet. I'm tangled up in you. I nuzzle your neck and bring myself closer to you.

I've always liked these moments, the ones when you're still sleeping, hair tousled and lips slightly parted. You look like something otherworldly. And that makes me realize that this isn't going to last. I know I want you. But this has to be just a fling. What could you possibly see in me?

"I love you."


	10. Chapter 10

I keep wondering what it would be like to be with you. Whether you'd be different outside of the office. Maybe you'd let me cook you breakfast.

My mother taught me to make scambled eggs when I was a kid. You have to watch them carefully, so you don't get the crappy brown stuff on them. When they're done, they're fluffy and delicious. Those eggs require time and effort. I'd make you those eggs for breakfast every single day. But would you notice?

I wonder if you notice how much I love you. Because I do love you, you know.


	11. Chapter 11

I'm driving on the highway down to Boston. From there, I'll head to the Cape. I could use a little downtime. The weather is pushing eighty-five, and it's the kind of morning that can last all afternoon. Even so, I'm stuck inside the gloom.

All I can think of is you. Your kiss. Your arms holding me, like you'll never let go. You calling me, just to say you can't wait for me to come home. Home. What a difficult concept for me to grasp now. Now, that home is where you aren't.

"I'll never forget. I won't let go."


	12. Chapter 12

It's been said that God paints in many colors. But it seems that everything has gone shades of grey lately. Ever since I met you, everything I know as fact becomes doubtful. I feel… Incomplete. Is it even possible, to know that things are true, yet feel in doubt because you feel more true to me than anything else?

Whenever you say something interesting, which is all the time, I want to kiss you. It's weird. It's sexy. And when I'm around you, I see what it would be like if I had anything at all to say for myself.


	13. Chapter 13

I can hardly keep track of anything anymore. I wake up, go to work, see you—and that's where it ends. I'm blinded when I see you. We're dating. I'd say that I love you. You'd say that I'm being charming—after all, I flirt with anything that moves.

_What day is it  
And in what month  
This clock never seemed so alive_

You always said that when you couldn't sleep, you'd work. But now when you can't sleep, you wake me up and we find something to do. Usually it involves something obscenely biological.

I'm glad I'm with you.


	14. Chapter 14

I've known that you've loved me for a while.You're a cat, waiting to charm. I can't stop thinking about you. You've in my head. Until recently, I thought I was level-headed.

_In this world there's real and make-believe  
This feels real to me_

Someone once said that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who said it first. Probably Shakespeare. Maybe Sting. The point being, even if you try to change or external circumstances force you to change, a part of you always remains the same. It doesn't make the change any less real.


	15. Chapter 15

It's getting around to Christmas time, and people are cutting down trees. You know that Joni Mitchell song, 'I Wish I Had A River I Could Skate Away On'? I know it's not exactly a Christmas song. Actually, the song is quite sad.

Whenever I listen to it, I think of you and those times we shared. Looking at the Christmas trees in window displays, walking hand in hand in the snow, and singing off-key to Christmas carols. As I stand in the shadow of Times Sqaure, I miss you desperately. But then you're there.

"Sorry I took so long."


	16. Chapter 16

I watch them, and it's so obvious they're in love. Amazingly enough, they don't think anyone notices. But I do. I see the looks, the longing and barely contained lust in their gazes.

Even if they do love each other, one is shackled to a memory, and the other is too afraid. Everyone's tried to persuade them, but maybe love only works in its own time.

Last night I saw you getting ready for a date. It wasn't with him—he'd already drunk himself blind. I got fed up with it all.

"He's drunk, take him home."

"But…"

"Save him."


	17. Chapter 17

"I need to see you," you said desperately.

"You're taken."

That was five years ago. A lot of things have changed since then. You're not 'taken' anymore. But even so, you've stopped coming to me, begging for the slightest contact. Maybe you feel that your love for me caused her to leave. I've almost given up hope on you…

"Do you love me?"

"No."

"You just lied."

I'm not lying anymore. If I could, I'd scream it in front of the world. Did you know that I'd give up forever to touch you? I cover up truth in my lies.


	18. Chapter 18

I don't like how one second, you want me with you, and the next you think I'm smothering you. It bothers me. I don't think I'd mind as much if I were getting something out it; sex would work. But I'm not. I'm trying to save you, to no avail.

I want a lover I don't have to love.

I think it would be easier that way. Something vague. Nothing too much. Will you be my lover? I think we'd work well together. Perfectly matched; the wounded and the healer. I'd give you all of me.

Will you have me?


	19. Chapter 19

I remember the first time you shouted at me. It was yesterday, but it seems forever.

"I hold you while you cry, listen to you fall asleep on the phone, and everything else I shouldn't do. Now you tell me what's going to happen," you cried.

I don't know what I want. I care about you so much, sometimes it feels I'm dying. During daytime there's a wall between you and the world, but I see to your core.

When I stare into your blue eyes I find I don't want to swim there after all: I want to drown.


	20. Chapter 20

I know you're not a man of faith. But, clinging to you that night, covered in a sheen of sweat and barely able to breathe, you kept crying to God and, in the end, I thought that maybe you'd found Him again, if just for a moment.

We made love with the soft light of the bedside lamp on, not because I didn't want to bother turning the lamp off, but because I wanted to see and memorize every single aspect of your body that one time.

It was only that one time, but I wish we could've had more.


	21. Chapter 21

I wonder if you've ever loved someone so much it feels like you're dying. If you've ever felt desperate, an ache so deep it feels like you'll be cut in two. I feel that way, I feel it for you.

We fight so much, you and I, but I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else. When we pass in the halls, I can tell you want to say something, but it's hard for you to give in, to say that you do feel the same.

I love you.

What's the word that's burning in your heart?


	22. Chapter 22

Our job, it's probably one of the more dangerous ones out there. I can vouch for that; I've been in shootouts, had guns held to my head, and I've killed a man. But you know, despite all the dangers of this job, I only feel fear as others do when I think of you in harm.

When I think of you, hurt and bleeding and without me to protect you.

I'd give you everything, my heart, body, soul. Even my life, if necessary. Now all that's left is for you to accept them. Know this; I will never hurt you.


	23. Chapter 23

Remember that fable our mothers would read us just before we went to bed? How no one would believe Chicken Little when he said the sky was falling -- and then it did, the sky really did fall, and no one knew what to do.

These last two months have been awful. There's been too much of hospitals and cemeteries. I never thought it would be this hard, falling in love and being there for you. But I can't get you out of my head and I need to be there, if just to assure myself that you're alive.


	24. Chapter 24

I've always been the shoulder people lean on when things get real bad. It bothers me sometimes, because once in a while I need a little human contact, you know? I need someone to lean on. And Christ, wouldn't now be a good time. I do love you, you know, never doubt that. It's just that sometimes you can be a little too hot to handle. You're emotionally charged and I don't know what to do with you.

You're never there, so who I am supposed to turn to? You tell me that. There's always two sides to a fence. 


End file.
